


The Epilogue(s) Response

by themojius



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-25
Updated: 2019-05-25
Packaged: 2020-03-13 11:41:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 10,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18940201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themojius/pseuds/themojius





	1. INTRODUCTION BY THE AUTHOR

Six years.

     No, that’s not how long it’s been since the end of the game – that’s how long it’s been since I sprawled out on my bottom bunk at age 12 and read Homestuck. As you may be able to tell, it left a lasting impression.

     The comic has certainly had its ups and downs, and at the dawn of 2013 I was by chance arriving at a very turbulent time for the comic and its fans. Things were in the midst of the neverending Act 6 and the flaring, for-better-or-for-worse Tumblr culture growing around the comic. Looking back on _Homestuck_ , the grand, almost incomprehensible web of symmetry in story, the density in dialogue, and the excellence in aesthetics, I get the feeling that something went awry before the end, if only slightly.

     Andrew Hussie had more than established himself as an artist on _Team Special Olympics_ when he launched the _MS Paint Adventures_ website in 2007. He had illustrated several full-color comics like _And It Don’t Stop_ and _Whistles_. After this, The black-and-white _Problem Sleuth_ was Hussie’s absurdly complex choose-your-own-adventure pastiche that put him on the map. _Problem Sleuth_ was already a raised bar in many regards, from its dense and witty writing to its simple but functional and pleasing illustrations to its aforementioned utterly ridiculous plot. Hussie did a very, very good job. How in the world could he top this?

     Well, he did, kind of. Hussie began _Homestuck_ when he was 28 years old, which is a little late for a ten-year creative investment, in my opinion (maybe not for an author, but _Homestuck_ , as it happens, is far from just words.)  As the comic continues especially into 2012-2013, I find it easy, if not impossible to notice Hussie beginning to get outside help and influence from the fanbase (and its resulting effect on the comic.) I can’t blame him for petering out and giving in – the man had given his blood, sweat, and tears to this project after years upon years of practice. Accounts of Hussie’s breakneck pace of updates back pre-2013 should corroborate this.

     The problem is that this fanbase/real-world interference into Homestuck doesn’t always feel constructive or condusive to the plot to me, even if a lot of it is aimed at the fanbase itself. I’m talking about, for example: Kankri’s trigger warnings, Dave’s sudden (and for me, frankly unexpected) romance with Karkat, and _especially_ what happens in the epilogues.

     In the epilogues this outside influence hits a fever pitch, and goes well over the line of pandering. Jane’s obvious demagoguery mirroring Trump, Roxy’s gender whiplash, and the newly-accepted JadeDaveKat threesome are all very bold choices that I think will be looked back on in ten, twenty years and be seen as a desperate attempt at sociopolitical topicality. Now, you could easily argue that for something in a faux-satirical fan fiction format like the epilogues, it’s important to go over the top, and that the new, jarring focus on life as adults and trivial things fits the Archive of Our Own format well. My argument is that the fanfiction banner often feels like a major cop-out to a lot of these easy narrative pickings in terms of what your audience will like. For example, Dave saying that straights are animals who dont defrost their pepperoni?  Hilarious line, but it reads like a 2012 Tumblr post with 30,000 notes. And, if Dave thinks this, what the hell does he think of his friendship with John, the most white-bread guy in the world, for instance? Why is _Homestuck_ still trying to throw its fans cheap freebies like this? Who gives a damn what your audience thinks? (for Andrew Hussie, that may be a redundant attitude to have as an author.)

     Also, I have to note that a lot of people I’ve spoken to about the epilogues have actually defended points of it, so there’s definitely an element of the fandom demographic shifting over ten years (which is part of the reason people are so concerned with the title _Team Special Olympics_ or Dave saying the n-word on his blog, trans representation being important, etc. Others may argue that this is a cultural shift, but for some of these, it feels more like a vocal minority.) Even further than that, I want to give the epilogues a lot of credit – there’s a few very satisfying plot points, like John and Terezi’s interactions, the Obama ending, and Dirk and Calliope’s fascinating battle for the narrative. But I think it’s deeply flawed, and I cast doubt on the idea that Hussie’s co-authors aren’t at least somewhat to blame for this.

     Not all of these problems are directly addressed in _BREAK FAST,_ because it could be just as long and complicated a story as the epilogues undo the damage the author has already done.

     Anyway, try to feel better after the epilogues for by reading this – if only as a supplemental work that isn’t completely exhaustive to my problems with the ending. What I’ve written stands as a parting gift before I try to make a break for the exit after being in this fandom for six years. And Jade, John, Dave, Rose… These characters are so fundamental to who I am that they are not only archetypal characters in my mind, but feel like old friends. I love my friends!! And I hope with the rather shallow allegory before you that I did them justice. Enjoy.

 


	2. Chapter 2

     Your name is Jade Harley, and the sun is hitting your eyes to wake you up. The early afternoon sky outside, as you can tell, sitting on the borders of your consciousness, is an average but beautiful color. As it seems, there is nothing special about its depth, nothing insidious or artificial about its lovely, natural shade of blue. It is as it is. You rub your eyes, yawn until your buck teeth show, and begin to get dressed. A living deity like you has owned the right to live easy. You put on a white oversize “SMART IS SEXY” T-shirt and some denim jeans. The difficulty in pulling your ears through your shirt makes you glad that the morph with Becquerel didn’t go beyond the ears. By now, you’ve caught a whiff of the good smell downstairs. Someone is preparing some rich, filling snausages for you on the stove – it’s time for breakfast. On serving them, there’s likely to be a tiny dash of cake frosting on one of them, part of a long-running inside joke between you and Dave. You love your boyfriend. You’re both complicated people, but there’s something simple about it, something unchallenged and without a second thought. It’s not overly sappy. It’s not unrealistically, fantastically strong. It’s a healthy, no-frills kind of love, dammit, and it’s one you can see yourself taking to the grave, without a second thought.  
      Suddenly you stop in the middle of this episode of thankfulness, and it hits you – the sheer amount of hard work that it took to get this far for such a simple and satisfying reward. Your crybaby side is beginning to come to you again, after a long time. You are nineteen years old, and for the first time in a very long time, you feel overwhelming relief, the kind that makes weary tears sprout in your eyes. As you reach for a tissue, you notice the colorful rings on your finger. There aren’t that many anymore, but you know what the red one is for.  
      Dave comes in, with a face that has become only slightly more sympathetic after years of living in his own home with someone who loves him unconditionally. His mouth hangs open in shock as he sees you crying, which, with Dave, indicates much more distress beneath the surface.  
DAVE: oh my god jade   
DAVE: whats wrong did you have some kind of fucked prophetic nightmare about earth c   
DAVE: did someone unceremoniously kick the bucket overnight and i wasnt informed  
Instinctively he reaches for his own patented brand of novel Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff “ultra softe… ” tissues and wipes your face.  
JADE: no its nothing like that... im just   
JADE: im so happy that were here and were safe!! it took so much to get here   
DAVE: ...   
DAVE: yeah   
DAVE: i mean if what youre talking about is unfucking the narrative itself and double massacring shittons of ghosts to defeat lord english then id gladly categorize that as "so much"   
DAVE: i know i make it seem like im all kinds of caught up in my own problems in a sort of emotionally autofellating therapy episodes with you   
DAVE: but inevitably thinking about just the sheer scale of shit we had to pull off perfectly to make sure things worked   
DAVE: like didnt bird me become a cat and take down le in the most heroically fucking annoying way possible like   
DAVE: besides the fact that thats hilarious given the gravity of the situation   
DAVE: if i was bird dave id have honestly fucked off by now like he gets almost no credit for how much shit he did and its ridiculous   
JADE: can we please stop talking about davesprite...   
DAVE: oh right my bad sorry   
DAVE: ok but i bet dating you was the best three years of his feathery fucking ghost existence   
JADE: dave... :)   
You take his hand, now on the tail end of your sniffles.  
JADE: thats probably not true! we had a lot of problems and he was really cagey   
JADE: i mean no offense...   
DAVE: dude me at 13 and 50% bird is guaranteed to be a fucking colossal trainwreck   
DAVE: its like a formula where the products are a bunch of fucking catastrophic repressed emotions and traumatic experiences that were still in recent memory   
DAVE: i mean im still so glad i met dirk but honestly it was the tip of the iceberg   
DAVE: honestly im surprised i can deal w/ it now the absolutely unabashedly fucked things my bro did when i was-   
JADE: shoooooosh   
JADE: dave!!   
DAVE: what   
JADE: remember to focus on the positive   
JADE: its an absolute miracle that weve worked through so much of it together   
JADE: and im incredibly proud of you!! you didnt have to end up being so receptive to my support   
JADE: i mean it might have been difficult to say no because i come on pretty strong :p   
JADE: but do you know why i come on so strong?   
DAVE: because... dear god it cant be   
JADE: because i love you!!   
DAVE: yeah same   
DAVE: wait werent we talking about you feeling shitty because of like post sburb ptsd/survivors guilt   
DAVE: jade we all did our parts whether it was vriska size fuckhuge or smelly ghost dude tiny in magnitude   
DAVE: you did fine come on   
JADE: i guess...   
DAVE: ill tell you one thing missy   
DAVE: i dont know a damn soul who can still manage a frown on their face after a hearty helping of some nice browned snausages   
DAVE: better catch them before that shit goes on microwave life support   
      He leads you into the kitchen, where you enjoy a hearty meal of several snausages, eggs, and toast. Great cooking from a guy who only had swords in his fridge. Absence makes the chef grow stronger, you suppose.  
JADE: this is sooo good!!!   
You lean over and give him a big hug and kiss. His stoic frown evens out to just below a smile.  
JADE: i have some new ideas for the fic!  
DAVE: oh shit go for it  
JADE: what if we have sweet bro and hella jeff go to a furry convention  
DAVE: ok is this before or after they become manthros  
JADE: after obviously!!  
DAVE: yeah that was kind of a stupid fucking question  
JADE: no its okay  
JADE: and i was thinking maybe sweet bro really doesnt want to go because hes embarrassed about his new form  
JADE: because maybe hella jeffs mom doesnt like him anymore?? i dont know  
JADE: but anyway they can go to a convention and realize that theyre not alone and everyone accepts them!!!  
DAVE: fuck thats adorable  
JADE: do you like it?  
DAVE: jade this is going to be the best shittiest piece of fan fiction earth c has ever seen  
DAVE: calling it now its going in the canon of pantshittingly fantastic writinng  
DAVE: im talking about an instant classic here  
JADE: yes!!! i think thats a really good way to end it too  
JADE: because its a nice simple message about self expression :)  
DAVE: yeah dude plus we could still have equal parts farcical ironic garbage  
DAVE: talking hella jeff so unabashedly furry that he ollies through the fucking convention center wall  
DAVE: lungs echoing a rich manly affectionate yiff as he does  
JADE: hehehe ok we can include that too  
JADE: im so excited dave!! i think the people are going to love this!!  
DAVE: hell fucking yes they are  
JADE: i was thinking...  
JADE: do you want to show it to someone we know before we finish it?  
DAVE: idk kinda worried theyll cop it for themselves and steal all our sweet future literary accolades  
JADE: pfff come on rose wouldnt do that!  
DAVE: dude youre planning on giving it to rose??  
JADE: maybe...   
JADE: yes ok i am  
DAVE: i love rose but dude can you imagine shed pick this shit apart  
DAVE: like im fairly certain shes gonna garnish it with layer upon layer of rich explicatable prose and im not sure if our hundreds of thousands of loyal fans are gonna be down with that  
JADE: youre thinking about it too much! she might have a really interesting take on it  
JADE: you never know!  
JADE: and i understand that you think she might really not understand why its so important to us and everyone but  
JADE: she might have a lot of insight as someone who writes and could make it a whole lot better!  
DAVE: ok ok  
DAVE: for you ill fucking do it  
DAVE: and with the zeal of a chick fil a employee 30 minutes into their first shift ever  
DAVE: this is it jade im taking your order and im going to fucking like it  
JADE: whats chick fil a  
DAVE: a good ass chicken resturaunt owned by a dipshit pre sburb  
JADE: oh  
JADE: hehehe i get it now  
JADE: ok!! when do you want to start writing  
DAVE: t minus right fucking now  
      You love writing with your boyfriend. Working on creative things is something you’ve enjoyed since you were in your early teens when he would layer his sick beats onto your dreamy, abstract melodies. You spend most of the day writing, and take a break in the middle for lunch.  



	3. Chapter 3

      Your name, now, is Karkat Vantas. Your respiteblock with a view of the Troll Kingdom is very quiet. You consider yourself a person who is generally unable to relax, and relies upon the words and support of their friends. Today no amount of words or support could loosen a single muscle in your body. It’s been a week, and someone very close to you is gone. Your thoughts are scatter and bounce around inside your head like some sort of awful human garment laundering mechanism. Anxious tears should come to you, but you’re too guarded for it.  
      She left a note for you, if there’s anything she did. You re-read it for the ninth time, making sure to not bend or crease it in your hand. You read it, a solemn chill splitting across your face once more.  
H3Y K4RK4T. 1 KNOW YOUR3 GO1NG TO B3 4LL S4D 4ND P1SSY B3C4US3 1M L34V1NG. BUT DONT F33L B4D, 1 PROM1S3 1TS FOR TH3 B3ST. 1F 1 DONT F1ND H3R 1M NOT SUR3 1LL 3V3R F33L TH3 S4M3 S3NS3 OF R3SOLUT1ON 3V3RYON3 3LS3 1S. FOR NOW... >:]  
S4Y GOODBY3 TO COOLK1D, H1S WOOFB34ST M4T3SPR1T, TH3 BLU3 DORK, 4ND 3V3RYON3 3LS3 FOR M3.  
YOURS TRULY, T3R3Z1 PYROP3  
       There’s a profound silence that follows in your head every time you read it, as if even the obstinate, ceaseless voice in your head dares not say a word, out of a mix of shock and deference. In a way, you understand what she’s talking about. In another, you totally fucking don’t. From what you can remember, Vriska seemed really bad for her in the long run.  
In the three years that have passed, you surprisingly haven’t had that much time to talk to Terezi – you’ve mostly spent it with Dave. As him and Jade got closer together, though, you found that it became really difficult to be a third wheel – After all, you don’t want to be with them all the time. No doubt that would lead to some horrible incestuous, pan-quadrant threesome. The very idea makes you shudder in sheer revilement. Now, however, your lifeline is gone. You decide it’s time to break the news. You text Dave.  
KARKAT: HEY.  
DAVE: hey  
DAVE: dude you wouldnt believe the amount of work we did on the fic today  
DAVE: we didnt just get the ball rolling we let the momentum continue and exerted a force vector raw and powerful enough to make sisyphus shit his pants in relief  
KARKAT: OH, THIS IS THE DEGENRATE COLLABORATIVE TRAINWRECK WITH HARLEY YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.  
KARKAT: I ACTUALLY WOULDN'T MIND HEARING ABOUT THAT, BUT NOT RIGHT NOW.  
DAVE: wait why not dude come on its going to be the hottest shit of all time  
KARKAT: IT'S NOT ANYTHING ABOUT THAT.  
KARKAT: TEREZI'S GONE.  
DAVE: holy shit  
KARKAT: SHE LEFT.  
DAVE: like just took the kids and left or  
KARKAT: DAVE, PLEASE DO ME A FAVOR AND SHUT THE FUCK UP. THIS IS THE BIGGEST FUCKING THING TO HAPPEN SINCE WE GOT HERE, AND IT'S OBVIOUSLY NOT SITTING FUCKING WELL WITH ME AT ALL.  
KARKAT: IN FACT, IT'S A PRETTY BIG FUCKING PROBLEM, SO *PLEASE* GIVE ME A TINY AMOUNT OF RESPECT AND PATIENCE FOR A SECOND.  
DAVE: yeah im sorry youre totally right  
DAVE: im still kind of in shock like did she give you any advance notice  
KARKAT: NO SHIT SHE DIDN'T.  
KARKAT: SHE LEFT A NOTE, AND THAT'S IT.  
DAVE: does it say where or why  
KARKAT: APPARENTLY SHE'S GOING TO LOOK FOR VRISKA, SO I'D ASSUME THE MEDIUM.  
DAVE: thats some seriously heavy news  
DAVE: look jade passed out like ten minutes ago if you want to come over and professionally work shit out  
DAVE: ill probably be asleep so just knock really fucking hard on the back window  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT? I MIGHT ACTUALLY DO THAT.  
DAVE: ok dope ill catch you in 15 minutes  
      You put on a coat and go out into the night and stare at the moon. The air outside is cold, but in an oddly matter-of-fact way, as if Earth C is in spite of its supposed perfection. If the air could speak, it would speak its mind, and you would respect it for that.  
Once again, you can’t relax. Even the trolls look on edge. Maybe it’s all the Crockercorp everywhere nowadays. You see a familiar face. What the hell is Egbert doing here, you wonder. You decide to ask him this question exactly.  
KARKAT: JOHN?  
JOHN: oh!! hey, karkat!  
KARKAT: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN THE TROLL KINGDOM.  
KARKAT: ALSO, I HAVE IT ON PRETTY FUCKING GOOD AUTHORITY THAT YOU NEVER GO OUTSIDE.  
JOHN: that's not... entirely true!  
KARKAT: THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE SAYS.  
KARKAT: ALSO, YOU STILL HAVEN'T ANSWERED MY QUESTION, SHITLORD.  
JOHN: oh, yeah.  
JOHN: i was just getting back from hanging out with roxy and calliope.  
JOHN: it was really awkward, and i wish i hadn't gone over.  
JOHN: i mean, i know i’m a couch potato, but she's like... not grounded in reality?  
KARKAT: COOL. SORRY, BUT I DON'T THINK I CAN REALLY LISTEN TO THIS RIGHT NOW.  
KARKAT: TEREZI'S GONE.  
JOHN: no way!  
KARKAT: YEAH, IT'S KIND OF HARD TO BELIEVE.  
KARKAT: BASICALLY, SHE WANTS TO FIND VRISKA, AND FOR PERSONAL REASONS, I THINK THAT'S THE MOST MORONIC IDEA I'VE EVER HEARD.  
JOHN: but didn't she and vriska get along really well?  
JOHN: i mean, okay. i wasn't on the meteor to say for sure, but...  
KARKAT: WHY DON'T YOU DEFER TO THE PERSON WHO WAS ACTUALLY FUCKING THERE FOR THAT ONE, IDIOT.  
JOHN: okay, okay.  
KARKAT: FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES, TEREZI DEFINITELY GOT THE SHORT END OF THE POLISHED STEM.  
KARKAT: ALL VRISKA DID WAS POSTURE AROUND WAXING HER HUGE EGO AND STICKING HER CARTILAGINOUS NUB IN EVERYONE'S AFFAIRS.  
KARKAT: EVERYONE IS SUPPOSED TO BE GLAD YOU KEPT HER FROM GETTING KILLED, BUT HONESTLY, SHE FELT REALLY FUCKING OUT OF PLACE.  
KARKAT: ALL SHE DID DURING THE THREE YEARS WAS TRY TO ENTHUSIASTICALLY MICROMANAGE AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE IN AS MUCH TIME AS SHE HAD, AND I DON'T THINK TEREZI WAS ANY EXCEPTION TO THAT.  
KARKAT: I'M NO EXPERT ON THIS KIND OF STUFF (EXCEPT I KIND OF FUCKING AM) BUT TEREZI SEEMS TO HAVE A KNACK FOR REALLY SHITTY PEOPLE WHO DO REALLY SHITTY THINGS TO HER.  
JOHN: i can see that, yeah.  
JOHN: but isn't it kind of her decision?  
KARKAT: MOSTLY, YES.  
KARKAT: BUT ALSO, AS HER NEW MOIRAIL, I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO SIT BY AND LET HER GET INTO SOMETHING THAT MIGHT BE ACTUALLY UNHEALTHY FOR HER.  
JOHN: yeah. i'm sorry karkat, that sounds like a really difficult situation.  
JOHN: how did she let you know?  
You hand him the note you found last week.  
JOHN: oooooh. :(  
JOHN: what a mess.  
KARKAT: SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS GOING OUT A DAY AGO, AND I FOUND THIS IN THE FREEZER TONIGHT.  
KARKAT: I'VE ONLY TOLD YOU AND DAVE.  
JOHN: ...  
JOHN: are you going to go after her?  
KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD. SHE HAS A SERIOUSLY UNRULY HEAD START.  
JOHN: maybe i could use my zapping stuff...  
JOHN: i don't know. i don't really have a frame of reference for where she could be. but i could probably give you a general direction.  
KARKAT: I'D ACTUALLY SERIOUSLY APPRECIATE THAT.  
KARKAT: DO YOU MIND TEXTING THAT TO ME?  
JOHN: yeah, sure!  
JOHN: anything to help you out with this. i know it means a lot to you.  
JOHN: also, uh...  
JOHN: how have you been?  
KARKAT: WELL, BEFORE THE SHIT UNCEROMONIOUSLY MARRIED THE BREEZE BLENDER, I WAS CATCHING UP WITH TEREZI IN A WAY I HAVEN'T REALLY BEEN ABLE TO BEFORE.  
KARKAT: PREVIOUSLY THINGS WERE MUFFLED BY THE INCESSANT BUZZING OF AN INCREDIBLY OVERBEARING LEADER, PLUS A SOLID THREE TO FOUR SWEEPS OF ASSORTED ADOLESCENT HORSESHIT CAPERS.  
KARKAT: NOW I'M DOING ABSOLUTE GARBAGE. HOW ABOUT YOU  
JOHN: uh.  
JOHN: i haven't really been doing anything, i guess.  
JOHN: but i don't really want to, either. i guess i'm stuck in limbo for now.  
KARKAT: WELL, I'D RATHER BE STUCK NOT DOING ANYTHING THAN HAVE JUST STEPPED IN A GIANT EMOTIONAL PILE OF DOGSHIT.  
JOHN: haha, come on.  
JOHN: you might still find her if you can leave by tomorrow. i mean, i don't know, maybe.  
KARKAT: WELL, WE'LL SEE.  
KARKAT: SEE YOU, EGBERT.  
JOHN: goodnight, karkat.  
      The two of you part ways as head for Dave and Jade’s house. Before you get there, though, you imagine him wiped out after a day of only writing, head to one side, snoring like a congested animal. What you worked out with John is kind of all you need at this point. You decide to head home and order the jetpack right away. For the first time in a long time, you don’t feel like you would really have anyone to talk to on this, not even John. You need to leave as soon as possible. Images of Terezi’s sharp, teasing smile flicker on in your head like half-dead streetlights. You don’t get any sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

     Your name is Rose Lalonde, and you’ve been taking some time off. Not that you don’t enjoy your work in the brooding caverns, particularly – the arduous womanhours you put in with your extraordinary wife you wouldn’t spend any other place in the world. But you suppose an occasional indulgence in leisure time may be just as paramount. You’re hip to hip with Kanaya on the couch, doing idle things on your computer as she knits, keeping up the kind of light, smooth exchange with her you relish most. It’s a little difficult because you’re doing all of this amongst an unexpected and unwelcome headache. The phone rings.  
ROSE: How brazen and uncharacteristic of you to call me at such an appropriate time, Dave.  
ROSE: This may be - dare I say - the first time this has ever happened.  
DAVE: are you actually not slaving away for the mothergrub right now  
ROSE: I cannot tell a lie.  
DAVE: ok whatever  
DAVE: have you heard anything about this new sweet bro and hella jeff official fanfic  
ROSE: I happen to know that it's haunted with very high expectations of its brilliant savant of an author.  
DAVE: co author dude  
ROSE: Well.  
ROSE: I can't say I know much about the other half, can I?  
DAVE: look im just going to pretend you didnt let that oddly frigid comment slip out  
DAVE: we finished writing it  
ROSE: And just as you do, your remarkable luck runs out. I've just drank my last and best bottle of celebratory champagne, so I can't say I'll be of any help in the jovialities.  
DAVE: rose im not trying to purposefully be a massive thorn in your side i just want to propose something  
DAVE: jade read some of your stuff from before the game and i dont think she really understood any of it because its so fucking dense  
DAVE: but shes convinced youre a bona fide literary god and really wants you to edit this before we drop this fiery turd on the peoples collective doorstep  
ROSE: Does she?  
ROSE: Granted, I think the both of you are cognizant of the fact that we differ enormously in rhetorical approach.  
ROSE: But if you insist. I have a tendency to get seriously attached to the prose I put forward, and things may become more than just a simple revision.  
DAVE: dude w/e ill just make a copy of the original im not a fucking bonehead  
ROSE: Hold your horses, Strider. I haven't agreed to this yet.  
ROSE: It’s imperative that I get a say on which edition makes it to the voracious masses. Isn't this a much-anticipated work?  
DAVE: rose what in the fuck are you planning to do with this  
ROSE: Idle hands are the devil's workshop. It's up to you whether to suffer my rules.  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ok fine but only because jade is really set on this  
DAVE: thanks for making me feel like i sold my fucking soul to the devil i guess  
ROSE: It's a small price to pay for the incredible extolment you'll find on its release.  
ROSE: Really, though, I probably won't seriously alter it. Just send it to me in the next hour, okay?  
DAVE: k thanks bye  
ROSE: Bye.  
KANAYA: What Was All That About  
ROSE: Fan fiction.  
      Despite your sarcasm, you spend most of the day reading what Dave sends. Jade never struck you as a very strong writer, though, to be honest, she never made a lasting impression on you to begin with. Surprisingly, the amount of charm and humor emanating from each page is much more substantial than what you should have expected, and it has an oddly nostalgic tone of simpler times. Despite all this, though, it’s somehow not good enough, especially for the final entry in a series. That night, you type viciously on your keyboard until you decide just to make it from the ground up. The change in tone and priorities may be jarring to some readers, and by the time you finish, you’re a little surprised even with yourself at how dark it’s become for a semi-ironic narrative about two bumbling JPEG Neko assholes.  
      The decisions you end up making aren’t out of spite or whimsy, but rather, a desire to make the subtext richer, and give the piece the substance it needs for appreciation on future reads. Maybe you’re biased because it’s easy to detach yourself from the titular characters the Human Kingdom knows and loves, but you’re certain the overhaul in mood is for the best. You send it to Dave and pass out. Your last thoughts as you hit the pillow seem to question why you suddenly care so much about this.  



	5. Chapter 5

     You don’t tell anyone when you leave the next night, and despite your status as a Troll Kingdom ambassador, no one seems to pay attention to your departure that much. John did you the favor of giving you the general direction of where Terezi was headed, though he didn’t really know where to zap you to.   
      Paradox space is vast and accommodating – that is to say, it doesn’t matter if you want a lot of darkness or a little, you’ll get as much as you want. But it’s strange to have no real idea of how fast you’re going, or even where you are. John is just a DM away, and yet you feel uniquely alone. And that’s not something that sits well with you at all.  
      All of a sudden, you really wish you hadn’t done this. Terezi’s probably not even as interesting as you thought she was - the two of you had only started living together for a few weeks. You should just make up with Dave and Jade. Once again, your head is swirling with thoughts, worries, and nervousness. There’s so much baggage where you came from – you’re almost paralyzed with the weight of it all. You feel something poking the back of your left leg, and you spin around in utter surprise.   
MEENAH: sup nubs  
KARKAT: MEENAH! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE.  
MEENAH: heard le hadnt 100% keeled over  
MEENAH: thought you was like a ghost corpse or somefin idk  
KARKAT: A FUCKING PAT ON THE SHOULDER WOULD SUFFICE NEXT TIME.  
MEENAH: whateva   
MEENAH: long time no sea homebuoy!!  
KARKAT: YEAH, IT HAS BEEN A WHILE, HASN'T IT.  
KARKAT: WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE IN THIS BUTTFUCK ABYSS?  
MEENAH: lookin for lord kingfish whats it look like dummy  
MEENAH: i get the impression hes still alive and im not stoppin til he keels over for good  
MEENAH: water you doin out here huh  
KARKAT: UH, IT'S KIND OF COMPLICATED.  
MEENAH: spit it out nubs i aint a doofish  
MEENAH: i saw that craysea latula lookin gill pass by here a whale ago  
MEENAH: that have any coralation with it??  
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT.  
KARKAT: YEAH, ACTUALLY. THAT'S TEREZI. I'M LOOKING FOR HER.  
MEENAH: why  
KARKAT: NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.  
MEENAH: let me guess  
MEENAH: some new universe quadrant bs huh  
MEENAH: i can sea it  
KARKAT: LOOK, I NEED TO GET GOING IF I WANT TO CATCH UP WITH HER.  
KARKAT: DO YOU MIND NOT MAKING A FUCKING FARCE OF MY PERSONAL LIFE BEFORE I GO??  
MEENAH: woah cool it shouty im just pryin  
MEENAH: as a matter a fact im acshoally goin in the same direction you just didnt notice me  
MEENAH: seems like you need a second pair of eyes if you wanna find pyrope  
MEENAH: what do you say  
KARKAT: DO I HAVE A CHOICE?  
MEENAH: nope eelmao  
MEENAH: alright lets haul bass and get movin  
      And you do, the two of you, back into the boundless space of zero. Somehow, though, you feel better with someone by your side, even if it’s some strange, arbitrary collaboration like this. But in a weird way, you feel comfortable with this Peixes. She gives off the atmosphere of someone who finally got what they wanted. It’s not something you’re used to in these weird, post-victory times. It’s a lukewarm but happy feeling as you blast off once again.  



	6. Chapter 6

     Your name is Dave Strider, and there’s an odd feeling in your chest. It’s heavy, as if someone told you something very important, but tingling, like you’re in some kind of unrequited romance. Overall, though, you feel… terrible, actually. As if someone just took a part of you with them. You just finished Rose’s edit, and she’s coming in the morning to discuss it with you more, but you don’t really know what you’re going to say.  
      Rose’s work is not easy to follow nor comforting, per se, but instead offers this grand, ambitious design of tragic plot and complex structure to cap off the series, rather than the lighthearted and feel-good ending you had in mind. Sweet Bro, by Rose, is turned into this brooding, pensive man with a forgotten grasp on his own identity. Hella Jeff is guilty for what he’s become and gets into a dramatic, almost melodramatic love triangle with Sweet Bro’s mom and another woman. The narrative pulls no punches with the treatment of these characters, and it’s almost as if you wish someone had taken them out back and blown their heads off than witness them be made an example of in some strange, sadistic, but thoughtful way by the author. The deepest fears of the characters are exploited constantly, and we learn about them in a way more intimately than you ever described in your writings. The plot is rarely satisfying, but you read the whole thing in one sitting. Now everything is swirling around in your head as you lie in bed next to your beautiful doggy girlfriend. You make out her shadow in the stifled moonlight making it through the curtains – she could be some kind of silly furry Madonna if she wanted. Completely innocent, unaware of the subtle but oddly powerful emotional impact you’ve just taken. You reread some of it on your phone, the light hurting your eyes as you turn it on for the first time in an hour. Incidentally, you’re not the only one affected.   
JADE: are you still up babe...  
DAVE: hey arent you supposed to refer to me as akwete purrmusk the jungle boner king  
JADE: hehehe... ok sorry  
JADE: but why are you awake  
DAVE: i dont know where to start im in a pretty gloomy state of mind  
JADE: come on dave youre supposed to tell me when this happens!!  
JADE: has this been all day??  
DAVE: no i just read roses fic and got acutely emotionaly shanked in my metaphorical heart of hearts  
JADE: tell me about it!  
DAVE: its going to be a while so hang tight  
And you tell her, alright.  
DAVE: blah blah blah overlapping themes blah blah blah serious blah blah mood whiplash blah blah blah archetypical betrayal blah blah blah blah geromy has been a beautiful black woman all this time blah blah blah blah complex allegory for the iraq war blah blah blah i cant believe hella jeffs fucking dead blah blah blah blah blah…  
By the time you’re finished, you wonder if you may be able to actually sleep tonight. To your amazement, Jade hasn’t fallen back asleep during any part of it.  
JADE: dave... i think roses stuff is really interesting  
JADE: and i like it!  
JADE: but that doesnt sound like a very enjoyable read at all! :(  
DAVE: the big fucking problem is jade is that its fantastic and she did a beautiful and intricate job of fucking everyone and everything over  
DAVE: but  
JADE: but...  
You hesitate. This next part isn’t going to be easy for you, no matter how many times you do it.  
DAVE: well ive told you a lot i guess  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: when i was just a little kid my bro would still read me bedtime stories  
DAVE: and well  
You take a deep breath and continue.  
JADE: youre safe with me here, you can say it  
DAVE: i mean its not really all that simple i guess  
DAVE: because even though he did a really good job of like telling the story  
DAVE: he  
DAVE: he would always cut off the happy ending  
The reliving of something that really fucked with you your whole life, something that wounded you to the core, all of a sudden makes you bawl like a baby.  
DAVE: boo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo  
JADE: dave.... come here  
JADE: dont cry!! i mean do cry because its good for you to cry!! it just makes me sad :(  
JADE: i love you and i promise ill never mess up a story with an unhappy ending!!  
DAVE: booooooo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo...  
JADE: dave please… i love you and you deserve better!! oh shoot... boo hoo...  
JADE: boo hoo hoo hoo hoo...  
DAVE: boo hoo hoo hoo hoo hooooo  
DAVE: boo hoo hoo hoo hee hee hee hee..  
JADE: boo hoo hoo hee hee  
DAVE: hee hee hee hahahahaha jade you didnt actually just cry because im crying thats so fucking sweet  
JADE: of course!! i cant stand to see you sad and it makes me sad  
DAVE: i dont know what kind of lopsided clown i would be without you   
DAVE: god i dont fucking deserve you jade  
JADE: dont say that!! youre the coolest coolkid i know  
JADE: especially when you let out how youre feeling because i know that thats hard to do  
JADE: we can talk to rose tomorrow about this okay? itll be alright  
DAVE: yeah definitely  
JADE: just go to sleep... shooosh  
      You drift off in the arms of your lover, a feeling of temporary but almost total relief washing over you, which is a feeling that has been foreign to you most of your life. The only thing you have to worry about now is solving the issue of this stupid fic. Rose’s work is so good, but at what cost? As you slip away into another place, you get the feeling it may not really matter at all.   



	7. Chapter 7

     It’s only been a few hours since you left, but it feels like a very long time. Despite this, it makes all the difference when you have someone to keep you company. There’s a lot you didn’t know about this Peixes, and even more that she didn’t know about you. The two of you talk about everything from politics on Earth C to the psychology of murderers. You haven’t had a conversation this good since you could remember. Sure, Meenah can be kind of loose cannon sometimes, but she’s not caught up in personal drama like everyone else – she’s able to rise above it easily and look in as an outsider. When was the last time you could say that about anyone you knew, or even yourself? Finally, you reach the subject of Terezi.  
MEENAH: so tell me why youre fishin for lil shrimp tula  
KARKAT: HER NAME IS TEREZI, YOU SUBAQUATIC BOTTOM-FEEDER.  
MEENAH: thats a shella cute thing to call me  
KARKAT: I DIDN'T HEAR THAT.  
KARKAT: ANYWAY, SHE SAID SHE WAS GOING TO LOOK FOR MY UNIVERSE’S SERKET.  
MEENAH: yea no duh  
MEENAH: and youre chasin her down because...  
KARKAT: I CAN HAVE MY OWN FUCKING REASONS, OKAY? I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT NEED TO TELL YOU.  
MEENAH: dont be koi with me buoy im just tryna get to the bottom of this  
MEENAH: cant a gill be allowed the details of a maiden voyage???  
KARKAT: ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, I'LL SUM IT UP, BUT ONLY IF YOU TURN THE VOLUME DOWN ON YOUR SQUAWK GAPER FOR A FEW PRECIOUS MINUTES.  
KARKAT: WHEN SOMEONE LEAVES LIKE THIS, IT'S OBVIOUSLY A LITTLE STRANGE, BUT IN THIS CASE, IT WAS PRETTY FUCKING INSULTING.  
KARKAT: TEREZI AND I WERE JUST STARTING TO BE MOIRAILS AGAIN.  
KARKAT: FOR THE FIRST TIME I COULD ACTUALLY TALK TO HER ONE ON ONE WITHOUT SOME STUPID FUCKING CLOWN MENAGERIE INTERRUPTING US EVERY SECOND.  
KARKAT: AND...  
MEENAH: and  
KARKAT: WELL, I'VE KNOW HER FOR A PRETTY LONG TIME NOW. SHE FEELS LIKE A LITTLE MORE THAN JUST A FRIEND TO ME, I GUESS.  
MEENAH: but you aint dating her  
KARKAT: UH...  
      Meenah gives you a very sassy, very pissed-off glare. The lines come onto her face and make her look as old and wise as she must be. She’s kind of pretty when she’s mad. Well, she’s pretty anyway, you think to yourself.  
KARKAT: NO, I'M NOT.  
MEENAH: wait whyd she leave again  
MEENAH: just to shmooze out in the boonies w skipper serk junior?  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW.  
KARKAT: I'M STARTING TO FIND THAT A LITTLE HARD TO BELIEVE, ACTUALLY.  
KARKAT: I KNOW SHE'S CLOSE WITH VRISKA.  
KARKAT: BUT BEFORE SHE LEFT, I WAS STARTING TO BUILD SOME REAL TRUST WITH HER.  
MEENAH: mhm  
KARKAT: I'M NOT SAYING I COULD REPLACE WHAT THEY HAD, BUT WITH A LITTLE MORE TIME I'M SURE SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE.  
KARKAT: SO, WHY THE FUCK DID SHE HAVE TO LEAVE?  
MEENAH: im trawling a blank nub nubs  
KARKAT: PLEASE DON'T CALL ME THAT  
MEENAH: 38(  
MEENAH: i mean to be reel w you?  
MEENAH: earth c sounds pretty glubbin dull to me  
MEENAH: i dont think i could stand all the silly ass adult teen drama everymobys got goin on down there  
KARKAT: YEAH, ACTUALLY.  
KARKAT: ALL EVERYONE DOES IS START A WHOLE BUNCH OF MEANINGLESS BULLSHIT TO MAKE LIFE INTERESTING. EVEN OUR ELECTIONS ARE BEGINNING TO BE NEEDLESSLY SENSATIONALIZED BY EGBERT'S INSUFFERABLE LUSUS.  
MEENAH: sounds like a hot pile a sediment if youre askin me  
KARKAT: IT TOTALLY IS, NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT.  
KARKAT: WELL.  
KARKAT: I GUESS IF WE COME BACK, I'LL HAVE US LIVE FAR AWAY FROM ALL OF THAT.  
MEENAH: but whats the POINT  
      You don’t know what to say to this – what is the point of bringing Terezi back to a place that you yourself if it may be the opposite of what she wants?  
      Suddenly, the infinite blackness makes you lose your perspective – even with the rushing speed of your jetpack, you feel infinitely inert. And just for a second, you forget where you’re coming from, or even where you’re going.  



	8. Chapter 8

      This, unfortunately, isn’t going to be easy for you to do as you walk into your ecto-sister’s couture household. You look to the empty parlor, then back to the door, then back to the empty parlor. You opted to go without Jade, which was very hard to convince her of due to the girl’s severe separation anxiety. Either way, you made it. There’s a foreboding feeling you get, as if you’re mistakenly walking into a confrontation that you don’t need to. You try to break the silence, and don’t exactly succeed the way you hoped.  
ROSE: I see you found the very much unlocked door.  
DAVE: yeah  
ROSE: I'm not quite sure I can read the vacant, expectant look you’re giving me.  
ROSE: We're here to discuss the minutia of our separate narratives, aren't we?  
ROSE: How about we start by relaxing a tad bit?  
ROSE: I don't want to jar you by starting with the particulars, but I have to insist, on account of my vicious curiosity.  
ROSE: How did you like it?  
DAVE: rose it was fucking incredible  
ROSE: Well, consider me honored to exceed your sheer artistic expectations.  
DAVE: i mean im utterly astonished with the pacing structure and characterization of such shitty personalities  
DAVE: its probably the strongest thing of yours ive ever laid eyes on  
DAVE: but  
ROSE: But?  
DAVE: its pretty fucking heavy  
DAVE: like i know that i have fans who think of these two dumb ironic dipshits like its their first and second born children  
DAVE: and I dont know how well it would go with how youve exponentially fucked their shit up   
ROSE: Oh, I know.  
DAVE: well  
DAVE: thats kind of messed up bro  
ROSE: Dave, you said it yourself.  
ROSE: Despite the grief the narrative may impose unto your fans, I like to believe that it's not at all in vain.  
ROSE: I've put a lot of time into this, as you may have already inferred from its unusual quality. You could say that it was not a work of passion, but of keen obsession.  
ROSE: With that said, I think the readers will recognize the overarching themes, and benefit from them in the net. Don't you have the faith in your followers?  
DAVE: yeah sort of  
DAVE: id like to but we also have to remember this is my shitty artifact enriched story rose its not exactly trying to win a fucking nobel prize  
ROSE: I understand. But would you say I made it better?  
DAVE: yeah no shit you pretty much saved it in the final act in a weird fucked up type of way  
DAVE: but like ok  
DAVE: in the real world  
DAVE: shit is unceremoniously hitting the fan out there and you know this  
DAVE: the kingdoms are fighting over fucking boundary lines roxy and callie arent doing shit for the carapace kingdom  
DAVE: and johns moms starting to tighten her grip on not just this wack ass post scarcity economy but the political system too  
DAVE: i can get that what you wrote is like a call to arms but do you really think itll make anyone feel more peachy about things  
DAVE: let alone my stupid fucking group of ironic fans across the globe  
DAVE: you know this is just going to make everybody fucking loathe reality even more right  
DAVE: dont get me wrong i totally get it but just  
DAVE: …  
DAVE: what were you thinking????  
       You stare at her for a while. Maybe you went a little too far there, but it may be too late to take it back. Rose was already looking bothered when you walked in, but now she looks like she’s about to boil over with icy irritation.  
ROSE: I didn't know you felt that way about your admirers. I wouldn't mind taking them off of your hands for you, you know.  
ROSE: Fundamentally, Dave, what doesn't sit well with me is letting your fans go with this saccharine, politicaly naive deconstruction that's just as dull as everything else in the series.  
ROSE: But tell me.  
ROSE: How many of those faults fall on the influence of your co-author?  
       Rose looks right through you with a cold stare. She just went somewhere she really, really wasn’t supposed to. In fact, it takes you absolutely by surprise. Still, it’s not like you keep your generally calm, stoic demeanor for nothing. In fact, you may have been preparing your whole life for someone to say something as mean-spirited as this.  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: yeah fuck this  
You leave without a word.


	9. Chapter 9

     You haven’t spoken a word to Meenah for an hour or two. Not for any particular reason – maybe the two of you realize that this is going to take a while, and you don’t want to burn yourself out. Despite how surprisingly well you get along, things don’t seem right. There’s some kind of barrier, whether it be psychological or spiritual, that’s keeping you from relating to her more, getting closer to her. It’s like you’re stuck in something, but you’re not sure what it is, or even how to describe it. You pass through another dream bubble, but something’s different here. There’s an odd quiet that’s unlike the other ones you’ve been in on the way up. If someone’s here, they have to be alone. Now the tall, pink-leafed trees are hitting you with some other kind of familiarity. You’ve been in a bubble like this before, but it’s been quite some time - four whole sweeps, maybe. Then you see her, against a tree, by herself, in just the same way.  
KARKAT: MEENAH.  
KARKAT: DO YOU MIND GIVING ME A MOMENT.  
MEENAH: k but hurry the fuck up or im leafin without you  
You approach the other girl slowly, without a word. You’re too shy, too embarrassed to even know what to say.   
TEREZI: 1TS OK YOU DONT N33D TO S4Y 4NYTH1NG  
TEREZI: 1 C4N SM3LL 3X4CTLY WHO YOU 4R3  
KARKAT: OH.  
TEREZI: YOU D1DNT N33D TO COM3 LOOK1NG FOR M3 YOU KNOW  
KARKAT: YEAH, I DID. AND TO BE HONEST, I THOUGHT A LOT ABOUT TURNING BACK.  
KARKAT: TEREZI, LISTEN.  
TEREZI: OH J3GUS  
TEREZI: SP4R3 M3 TH3 CL1CH3D MONOLOGU3 4BOUT HOW MUCH YOU C4R3 4BOUT M3 >:[  
TEREZI: K4RK4T 1TS NOT YOU OR 4NYON3 ON 34RTH C  
TEREZI: 1 M34N  
TEREZI: 1T 1S BUT 1TS K1ND OF H4RD TO 3XPL41N  
KARKAT: WELL, I'M NOT FUCKING GOING ANYWHERE, ALRIGHT? I THINK THIS IS THE BEST CHANCE I'M GONNA GET.  
TEREZI: YOU L1ST3N  
TEREZI: TH3 PROBL3M  
TEREZI: 1S 3V3RYON3!!!  
TEREZI: 4ND 3V3RYTH1NG!!!!!  
TEREZI: 4LL 1V3 B33N 4BL3 TO DO W1TH MY M1ND POW3RS 1N TH3 THR33 Y34RS S1NC3 W3V3 WON  
TEREZI: 1S P3RC13V3 4LL TH3 SUFF3R1NG 1N P3OPL3S M1NDS FROM HOW W3V3 GOT H3R3  
TEREZI: 4ND NOT JUST TH4T BUT 4LL TH3 M3NT4L TO1L 1T TOOK TO G3T H3R3  
TEREZI: 4ND 1 C4NT T4K3 1T  
TEREZI: 1 DONT W4NT TO B3 1N TH3S3 W31RD 1NC3STUOUS FR13ND C1RCL3S FOR TH3 R3ST OF MY P1T1FUL L1F3  
TEREZI: 1 W4NT TO MOV3 ON COMPL3T3LY  
TEREZI: 4ND TH1S 1S TH3 ONLY W4Y HOW  
KARKAT: THAT’S ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT TRUE.  
TEREZI: W3LL YOUD B3 SURPR1S3D 4T HOW D1FF1CULT 1T 1S  
TEREZI: 1V3 TR13D TO M4K3 OTH3R FR13NDS BUT 3V3RYON3 KNOWS US  
TEREZI: 1TS 1MPOSS1BL3 TO G3T 4W4Y FROM 1T   
KARKAT: ALRIGHT, FAIR ENOUGH, BUT...  
TEREZI: 4ND 1 W4SNT TRY1NG TO F1ND VR1SK4 DUMB4SS!!  
TEREZI: 1N F4CT 1T W4S K1ND OF TH3 OPPOS1T3  
TEREZI: 1 DONT W4NT TO B3 4FF1L14T3D W1TH 4NY OF TH3S3 P3OPL3 4NYMOR3  
TEREZI: 1 W4NT TO FORG3T 4BOUT TH3 CH3SS P3OPL3 4ND TH3 F3LT 4ND 4LL TH3 CONVOLUT3D T1M3 BULLSH1T 4ND OUR 4NC3STORS 4ND D4NC3STORS 4ND SK414 4ND 3V3RYTH1NG!!!  
You look down on her once again with an understanding frown, your hands in your pockets, once again largely unsure of what to say.  
KARKAT: WHY DON'T WE JUST NEVER TALK ABOUT IT AGAIN?  
KARKAT: THE GAME, OR ANYONE RELATED TO IT, OR ANYTHING THAT WENT ON INSIDE IT.  
TEREZI: 1TS NOT TH4T S1MPL3  
KARKAT: YEAH, MAYBE NOT. I DON’T KNOW.   
KARKAT: YOU KNOW, I'VE ACTUALLY BEGUN TO REALIZE THE SAME THING AS YOU.  
KARKAT: I'M TIRED OF THE WEIRD, PETTY BULLSHIT ON EARTH C, BOTH BIG AND SMALL. AND THE PAST.  
KARKAT: AND I DON'T THINK I WANT TO WASTE AWAY THE REST OF MY LIFE LIKE THAT EITHER.  
KARKAT: BUT WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME SOONER?  
TEREZI: 1 D1DNT KNOW HOW YOU WOULD F33L  
KARKAT: FUCKING HELL.  
      Before you say another word, there’s something you should take care of. You go back to Meenah a few yards away, waiting, looking good as ever, and take a deep breath.  
KARKAT: YOU CAN KEEP GOING ON WITHOUT ME.  
MEENAH: wait seariously  
MEENAH: damn thats pretty cold vantas  
KARKAT: NO, IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.  
KARKAT: I'M A PRETTY FUCKING BORING PERSON, SO I THINK YOU'D GET SICK OF ME FASTER THAN YOU MIGHT ANTICIPATE.  
MEENAH: idcray youre too hard on yourself guppy  
KARKAT: IS THAT I DON'T CARE, OR I DON'T KNOW  
MEENAH: fuckin hell its the second one  
MEENAH: anyway  
MEENAH: guess this is goodbye  
MEENAH: codspeed shouty  
MEENAH: btw i always thought u were the hottest after fishka!!  
MEENAH: eelmao bye  
KARKAT: WOW.  
You walk back to Terezi, kind of dazed after what you just went through.  
KARKAT: IF I EVER HAVE TO GO THROUGH THAT TUMULTUOUS RANGE OF EMOTIONS AGAIN, SOMEONE BETTER STICK A TRIDENT IN ME, BECAUSE I'LL BE FUCKING DONE.  
KARKAT: ANYWAY.  
TEREZI: J33Z W4Y TO L34V3 4 G1RL H4NG1NG 1N H3R MOST VULN3R4BL3 MOM3NT  
TEREZI: 1 HOP3 YOU DONT TR34T YOUR MO1R41L L1K3 TH1S >;]  
KARKAT: OH, SHUT UP.  
KARKAT: I GUESS WE HAVE A LOT TO TALK ABOUT, THEN.  
TEREZI: Y3S  
TEREZI: 3SP3C14LLY FLUSH3D F33L1NGS 4ND TH1NGS OF TH4T N4TUR3  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: DO YOU MIND IF I SIT DOWN?


	10. Chapter 10

     Your name is John Egbert, and another morning has gone by without you even thinking about it. In fact, you woke up with zero memory of the previous day. Did anything even happen, you wonder? Probably not. In fact, you can’t even recall anything important in the past month. You renewed your driver’s license, saw Roxy and Callie, talked to Karkat…  
      …Karkat!!! What’s been going on with him, you wonder? It’s been a week since he took off, and you haven’t heard anything from him. You realize quickly that this should probably make you worried. You eat another piece of the birthday cake you baked for yourself.  
      It’s your birthday, by the way. You look over some of the gifts you’ve gotten. Mainly, it’s just Jade’s present, the complete Problem Sleuth anthology. The girl really came through this year, you think to yourself.  
      Right, Karkat. You send him a few messages immediately.  
JOHN: karkat!!  
JOHN: how's it going? you've been gone for a whole week now.  
JOHN: let me know, because i think people are starting to wonder why they haven't heard from you.  
KARKAT: ALRIGHT.  
JOHN: hey, you're here!  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PUT THIS WITHOUT BRUTALLY SNAPPING YOUR PUMP BISCUIT IN HALF, JOHN.  
KARKAT: BUT TEREZI'S NOT COMING BACK, AND NEITHER AM I.  
JOHN: what... no way!  
JOHN: i can't believe this.  
JOHN: really?  
JOHN: and on my birthday... :(  
KARKAT: I WANT YOU TO CONSIDER IT LIKE THIS.  
KARKAT: TEREZI AND I WANT TO START FRESH AND FORGET ABOUT ALL THIS, BECAUSE AT THE MOMENT IT'S A LITTLE TOO FUCKING MUCH FOR US TO BEAR.  
KARKAT: A LOT, ACTUALLY.  
KARKAT: AND LIKE I MAY HAVE SAID BEFORE, IF I'M GOING TO TAKE CARE OF HER, I CAN'T AFFORD TO HAVE HER MISERABLE ON EARTH C.  
KARKAT: MAYBE WE'LL CHANGE OUR NAMES OR SOME STUPID SHIT LIKE THAT. EITHER WAY, IT'S GOING TO BE NEW FRONTEIRS FOR US.  
JOHN: oh, man.  
JOHN: what do i tell the others??  
KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW, THAT'S YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM. THAT I'M DEAD, MAYBE?  
KARKAT: EITHER WAY, I KNOW WE'RE GOING TO BE A LOT BETTER OFF.  
KARKAT: DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, JOHN. YOU STILL HAVE PEOPLE THAT YOU'RE NOT ABSOLUTELY SICK OF.  
KARKAT: AND IF I WERE YOU, I'D CAPITALIZE ON THAT BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.  
JOHN: yeah, i guess you're right.  
JOHN: but gosh, this is probably the worst news i've heard in years!  
KARKAT: I KNOW, AND I'M SORRY, BUT I THINK YOU'LL UNDERSTAND.  
JOHN: i sure hope so.  
JOHN: well, how do i even end this..?  
JOHN: sayonara, karkat.  
JOHN: you were a really good guy, and a great friend, no matter what.  
JOHN: and terezi.  
JOHN: she's one of the most important people i know. it's not exactly easy to be losing both of you at once!  
KARKAT: THANKS, JOHN. I COULD SPEND ALL DAY UNDERSCORING YOUR IMPORTANCE AND GOOD QUALITIES, BUT I THINK IT WOULD BE PRETTY DULL.  
KARKAT: STAY TRUE TO YOURSELF. DON'T BE HOW SOME SHITHEAD PORTRAYS YOU, EVER.  
JOHN: alright... bye, buddy.  
KARKAT: BYE.  
The last message hangs in your hands until the phone dims on its own, like it’s trying to give you a moment of relief, or privacy.  
      There are a lot of very big things you start to think about as you sink into your couch. It’s hard to think of everything at once, but one thing especially you have to ask yourself: Why did you stop being in touch with your friends? They’re the ones who started the game with you, after all. All of a sudden, you wonder if you’ve been doing the wrong thing for three years, if not more.  
      A breeze blows outside your window, stirring the wind chimes, making them laugh… in your mood, it sounds more like tragic singing. Over time you’ve tuned out the sound, but the thoughts of your friends have begun to make them real again. All of a sudden, you get a very good intuition of what you have to do.  
  



	11. Chapter 11

JOHN: hey, rose!  
ROSE: John!  
ROSE: What on earth are you doing outside of your home?  
      The guy has just up and planted himself on your doorstep. You haven’t seen him in a while. Compared to the last time you saw him, he’s clean-shaven and seems to have a new (though assuredly bland) wardrobe.   
JOHN: hey, it's not like i'm permanently stuck there or anything.  
JOHN: but speaking of being stuck with stuff, and people, and, uh... um.  
ROSE: It's good to see that your conversational segues are just as workable as ever, John.  
ROSE: Have you been taking classes?  
JOHN: ha ha, very funny.  
JOHN: but seriously, it's so good to see you!  
ROSE: And you, as well.  
ROSE: What prompted you, might I ask?  
JOHN: well, i've done a lot of thinking after i bumped into karkat the other day.  
JOHN: i'll tell you more, but first, i want to get all four of us here.  
ROSE: I take it you mean you, me, and the other two we played with?  
JOHN: if by the ""other two"" you mean dave and jade, then yeah!  
ROSE: Hmm.  
ROSE: Given that our relationship is not exactly… amicable at the moment, I don't think that would be a very sound course of action.  
JOHN: well, mind bringing me up to speed?  
ROSE: Dave and I had an argument of sorts.  
JOHN: huh?  
JOHN: about WHAT?  
ROSE: ...  
ROSE: Fan fiction.  
JOHN: pff, no way!  
JOHN: seriously??  
ROSE: Yes, John, and I don't particularly welcome your callous attitude towards the subject.  
JOHN: okay, sorry, heh heh. but like.  
JOHN: how??  
ROSE: Recently I’ve been caught under some fantastically painful headaches, and I think I might have come on too strong about my convictions.  
JOHN: see, this is what i'm talking about.   
JOHN: all we need to do is get together and work things out. we used to be a really strong team!  
ROSE: That was about six years ago, granted.  
JOHN: okay, but what were we supposed to be looking forward to when we won, being miserable??  
ROSE: John, please.  
JOHN: we should go to dave's.  
ROSE: Astoundingly, I can't think of a worse idea. How do you do it?  
JOHN: rose, it's now or never. look, if something goes down, i'll mediate. i'm the outsider!  
JOHN: it'll be like bill murray in lost in translation.  
ROSE: Ugh.  
ROSE: I have to admit, your esoteric movie reference has sufficiently eroded my resolve.  
ROSE: Let’s just get on with it.  
JOHN: yesss.   
JOHN: okay, i promise you won't regret this.  
      You tell Kanaya you’re going out – she’s happy to see John, and less happy about the prospect of seeing Dave and Jade now, and with the memory of your migraines still fresh in your mind. Still, John’s confidence is, in a weird way, contagious. For the first time since you started your work in the brooding caverns, you feel a part of something again.  



	12. Chapter 12

     The two of you approach the couple’s house. The afternoon is delightfully crisp, as you might expect, and it’s quiet with the silence of a neighborhood full of sleeping trolls. In a way, it’s kind of anticlimactic, but it doesn’t bother you. John does the favor of knocking on the door. You feel a mix of impending guilt with your dread. Now someone is standing in the doorframe. It’s Jade. Her face has already gone from delight in seeing her ecto-brother to aggressive territoriality on seeing you.  
JADE: hey j-  
JADE: grrrr....  
JADE: WOOF!!  
JADE: woof WOOF  
JOHN: no, jade, just-  
JADE: woof woof  
JOHN: jade, she's here to apologize.  
JADE: ...  
She reads Rose over with almost irreconcilable suspicion written across her tense eyebrows.  
JADE: is that true  
ROSE: It is absolutely true.  
…And huffing, she leaves the door open, now making an honest effort to control herself.  
JADE: this better be good!  
JADE: and im sorry for barking john  
JADE: if you didnt bring her i would be even happier to see you!! its been so long  
JOHN: yeah, really! well, don't worry, i'm trying to get all of this straightened out between you guys.  
JADE: hmmm ok  
      As you and John come in and sit down, Dave emerges from his room with his laptop, wondering who’s at the door. On seeing you, he stops, and goes back into his room. Before you call the visit a failure, he returns without it, coming slowly to sit on the couch across from you.  
DAVE: hey  
DAVE: wait what the fuck why is john here  
JOHN: JEEZ, that's one way to say "welcome back," dave!  
DAVE: no dude dont misunderstand me im souped to the max to see you   
DAVE: totally ready to throw only the most choice of reunion parties  
DAVE: but its not  
DAVE: really a good time i guess  
JOHN: well, that's kind of the point.  
JOHN: rose told me all about what was going on between you guys, and she has something to say.  
DAVE: not sure i wanna hear it dude  
JOHN: shoooosh. just trust me, man.  
ROSE: Ahem.  
ROSE: Thank you for the lukewarm introduction, John, as usual.  
ROSE: I will say you're not an easy act to follow.  
JADE: get to the point  
ROSE: Okay, okay.  
ROSE: Dave, I'm sorry for what I said about your work, and not a single thread of facetiousness is embedded in my speech.  
ROSE: And Jade.  
ROSE: I'm sorry for what I may have insinuated about you, as well, in talking to Dave. I want you to know that I sincerely do not mean it, but I would also be unsurprised…  
ROSE: …if your current opinion of me is unshakable.  
ROSE: I could pin all this on my recent unyielding migranes, but it would be a coward's way out of my responsibilities.  
ROSE: Expecting absolutely no remorse for the judgements I have made and the actions I have taken, I apologize to both of you.  
DAVE: well  
DAVE: shit  
DAVE: thats a pretty fucking phony way to say sorry rose  
ROSE: Dave-  
Jade is growling again.  
ROSE: I accept that you feel that way, and I won’t try to convince you further.  
JADE: ok!! please leave  
DAVE: hold on   
DAVE: jade chill i dont know if your adorable overprotectiveness is really suited to this  
JADE: shes totally faking it though!!!  
JOHN: i don’t think that’s true.   
JOHN: i’ve talked to rose a lot about this, and it seems like she really has a lot of remorse for what she did.  
JOHN: so, i’m vouching for her!   
A very tense silence follows. Dave rubs his temples with one hand and sighs.  
DAVE: well im not scot free from this microcosmic soap opera am i  
DAVE: rose what you wrote really fucked with me but im sorry i ended up spouting garbage from my mouth instead of a legit game plan for writing this  
Everyone is kind of shocked with Dave’s apology except you.  
JOHN: see, that wasn't hard at all!  
JOHN: i feel like a lot of this stuff could just be solved if people sat down and talked about it once in a while.  
JOHN: you know, i bet that would fix a lot of problems on earth c, too!  
DAVE: yeah thats fair  
JADE: i guess…  
ROSE: If the results are any indication.  
ROSE: I have to ask, though, Dave.  
ROSE: Which version of this ambitious story are you releasing?  
DAVE: well i tuned mine up under the hood based off the good old constructive lalonde criticism  
DAVE: maybe its not the best it could be but im sure as hell not going to fuck my fans over for the sake of topicality  
JOHN: woah, let's not get this started again.  
DAVE: no i know that im settling for less and im just gonna have to own up to that i guess  
DAVE: still in a way its like better? at least to me  
ROSE: Good. Inevitably, it's your prerogative to make your art yours.  
JOHN: alright, alright. i didn't come here to just talk about your fan fiction scuffle alone.  
JOHN: it's been so long since we were all together in person!  
JOHN: i mean, i can't even remember the last time it was just us four without some crazy fucking circumstances interrupting us.  
JOHN: how are you guys doing??  
JADE: john...  
JADE: i think thats what were all wondering about you :(  
JADE: we never hear from you except on your birthday and even then its really limited  
JOHN: yeah, i've been really bad about that, and i apologize.  
JOHN: sheesh, what is this, an APOLOGY convention?  
DAVE: nice one man im sure youve got harry anderson busting a gut in a distant mausoleum somewhere  
JOHN: pff, thanks.  
JADE: yes this can be our little apology convention  
JADE: im sorry for being so mad rose…  
JADE: but please be nicer to dave ok??   
ROSE: Absolutely. Apology swiftly accepted  
JADE: oh speaking of your birthday john!!  
JADE: i hope you liked your present :p  
JOHN: oh, yeah, i did. how did you know i like problem sleuth?  
JADE: i have my sources…  
DAVE: ahem  
JADE: karkat told me he was going to get you something too!  
       The mention of Karkat’s name stops you in your tracks. You try very hard to fake a smile. You’re going to be missing the guy for a very long time.  
JOHN: oh, heh heh, yeah… i think he’s still out getting it. he said it would be really special.  
Everyone still seems weirded out, so you quickly bring things back.  
JOHN: look, you guys are the best friends anybody could ever ask for.  
JOHN: i got some other stuff yesterday, too, besides that! wanna hear about it?  
DAVE: by all means tell us man  
His blank expression barely spreads into a razor-thin smile.  
DAVE: what sort of insane loot did you rake in today


End file.
